I’ve never done New Year’s resolutions because I can never dedicate myself to a single productive thing for more than a few days at a time. The longest-lasting change I’ve ever made in my lifestyle was deciding to drink more water in June of last year. And that’s only lasting because, well, my body discovered it needs water to survive.
This year was no different. I was actually more opposed to resolutions this year than I ever have been. The “new year” is such a contrived concept: it’s literally one day after the year before. Why is one stroke of midnight supposed to inspire such change? Why not February 1, or the first Tuesday of next month? Change happens when you decide to make it happen. January is nothing special.
All that said, I discovered a few things I figured I need to change about myself in the near future. That doesn’t mean I want to change or that I will change, but just that maybe I should. Maybe these changes will happen early in the year; maybe they’ll happen late in the year; maybe (probably) they won’t happen at all. But I am dedicated to exerting as much energy as it takes (as long as it’s not a lot of energy) to making these changes happen. After all, we can all stand to improve, right? (Some of us less than others)
Here is my entire list of 2016 resolutions (so far):
- Act less annoyed
I first started thinking about resolutions when I was in a situation that I have frequently found myself in over the last few months: me, trying to pay attention to my phone and others in the room trying to speak to me. I am a solitary person. I prefer to be alone. But I know that life cannot be lived that way, so occasionally I tolerate others in the vicinity. More often than not, I am extremely annoyed by their presence. It’s not a person’s presence in general that annoys me; it’s just that a lot of things that a lot of people do are just intolerable to me.
For example: yelling. People yell. A lot. For different reasons. The worst is yelling at sporting events. Second worse is yelling because you’re upset. Third worst is yelling because you’re happy. Yelling is just never necessary.
All of those yelling examples show exactly what I’ve realized that I hate about being around other people: excitement. Why do people get so excited about everything? Do they not know it’s 2016? Being overly excited about things went out of style a long time ago. If you need me, I’ll be over here in my little black dress, stilettos and stone-face a la Victoria Beckham.
Second example: couples. Every conversation couples have. Mostly when they’ve given up on trying to impress each other and settle for a mediocre romance where they can be “real” with each other and eventually fall into a void of boredom. But what really gets me more than that is the pet names. I find these are most prevalent immediately after a relationship starts, then again when it’s become stagnant. The first time, they’re cute. After a while, they’re condescending. “Aw, babe, that was so sweet!” becomes “well, BABE, if you would have been paying attention when my aunt said that she was sending her dog to visit this month, you wouldn’t feel like it’s such a surprise that I asked you to stop drinking whiskey for three days!”
My point in all this was to introduce my first 2016 resolution: act less annoyed than I am. I’ve found that the majority of people my age share some sort of excitement over something in their lives at some point. I’m tired of not fitting in, so, instead of rolling my eyes and planning a succession of annoyed tweets/a blog post, I hope to be able to internalize their over-the-top happiness and reflect it back at them. That’s all people really want to hear anyway, that their feelings are valid. Who would it hurt to give that to them?
2. Lie More
That leads me to my next resolution. So much of contemporary small-talk involves stretching the truth that little white lies are beginning to feel routine. Every day at work, I tell people how much I love the hideous multi-color vertical striped chemise they’re buying and I don’t think twice about it. This is the norm in superficial conversations. But I need more. I resolve that, in 2016, I will lie more. Less passing comments like “I love these colors,” and more “this purple reminds me of the sunset in the painting that I painted for my ex-lover as a gift before he got lost backpacking across Cambodia.” You know, harmless stories that serve no purpose other than to entertain me. That is what I’m here for, after all: to entertain myself.
3. Be skinny
4. Be less messy
I had a friend in high school who always said “my life is always in order when my room is clean.” So, after struggling through the first few weeks of 2016, I decided to clean my room. Take my word for it when I say this is no simple task. I am not a dirty person, just a messy one. It took three hours to just pick up all the clean clothes off of my floor. I had not cleaned my room since November, so this was a long time coming, and it was a really good feeling to see my floor again. After a day and a half of a clear floor, I was enjoying a morning of sleeping in when I heard the loudest, most terrifying crack and bang I had ever heard in my life. Disoriented, I looked around for aliens coming through the ceiling, for my future self traveling back from the future, and for my roommate busting into my room asking me to go to brunch. Once I realized my vision would only clear after I put on my glasses, I realized the embarrassing reality: my clothes were on the floor again. The hanging rod in my closet had been warped for some time now; I convinced myself it was like that before we moved in, but that probably wasn’t true. I never worried about it that much because I mostly chose to keep my clothes on the floor and, even when I picked them up, they were almost never all clean all at once. In fact, the last time I tried to pick all my clothes up off the floor, I ran out of hangers and had to create a new “non-mess, just hanger-less” pile. This time I made some adjustments and got everything that had to be hung on hangers and everything else folded on a shelf.
But this compromise wasn’t enough for my clothes. Clearly, they wanted to be on the floor, as they broke through the support holding the hanging rod up in the closet, causing them to crash to the floor.
Hopefully the first result of this resolution isn’t an indication of how the rest will go.
5. More spinach
6. More chip variety
7. Still lots of Salt & Vinegar tho
8. Vodka cleanse
I just think I could really benefit from a 7-day span of consuming nothing but vodka. No fat, low carbs. It will be difficult, but I have faith in myself.
9. Reunite with myself
I lost myself this year. I used to be an artist, a writer, a free spirit. Now I work 40+ hours a week and spend my time off in front of a TV with no future plans. This is a cheesy resolution but I will not support myself having this life any longer.
10. Refine myself
I used to have a very specific way of presenting myself. A “brand,” if you will. As addressed in the previous resolution, I have lost that. For the past year, I didn’t know where my life was going. I now have at least one piece of a direction:
Someone who is in a similar situation to mine (a few years out of college, living in/near college town, working full-time) recently posted this: “The only reason you’ll ever regret losing someone as a friend is if they become famous someday (but they won’t).” And I have never been more inspired. You will regret losing me. I am worth a fight. That’s what I’m setting out to achieve this year: a presence so enviable, so unattainable that everyone who has ever written me off is filled with regret. It may take the whole year, but by the end of 2016, I will be on top of the world again. I am famous. Bow down, bitches.
11. Tramp Stamp
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