If I've learned anything in the past two first-days of classes, it's that UNC is full of boring and annoying people. True, I've always been under the impression that I'm just really fun and interesting and no one else can compare, but that has never been so confirmed as it was during the "fun fact" portion of FDOC today.
My actual first day of class was relatively unimpressive, but today, the first day of MWF class, I spent two and a half hours hating all the students in my classes. In my first class, Diversity & Communication, I showed up still drunk (it starts at 12:30) and ready to vomit and assumed the day was going to go horribly. But then my teacher decided against the typical "tell us your name and a fun fact about yourself" and had us tell the class the following:
Name
Hometown
Major
Memorable diversity experience
Ideal guest speaker (dead or alive)
Biggest dream
After I finally got my laptop to connect to wifi I was all set up to not listen to everyone's answers. Then there was a twist. We were going to have to recite the name of every classmate who spoke before us. There are about 40 people in the class. Keep in mind I'm still drunk and only have the attention span to focus on one thing: not vomiting in class. And I was last in line.
The first few people had pretty uninteresting answers - I studied abroad over the summer, Barack Obama, to get a job after college - but when we got to the girl who said her ideal guest speaker would be Beyonce, I lost it. My first thought was "mhmm TRU," but then I really started to imagine Beyonce as a guest speaker: standing up there with her one robot hand and her deep ass voice rambling on and on about how blessed she is. I love Bey as much as the next gay, but that would just be awful.
As if that wasn't enough, the next girl's biggest dream almost ruined the hard work I was putting into not throwing up. "I just want to be a mom." Vom.
Even more vomit-inducing was the slew of "diversity experiences" that included charity work in third world countries. "I spent the summer in Kenya..." "I taught English in Cambodia a few years ago..." Luckily I had sobered up enough to keep myself from blurting out "Oh come ON. You're in college, do something fun! I spent a month in Hawaii getting drunk and slacking off." Just a request to anyone who speaks to me from now on: good for you for reconstructing an entire village for orphan buzzards in Peru, but please don't tell me about it. There is nothing more pretentious than flaunting your charity work. And you know daddy always says an ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.
In the moments when I wasn't loathing people for existing, I was thinking about what my answers would be. For my diversity experience, I thought about saying something about being gay in a small town, my month in Hippieville, HI and the 2 Chainz concert I went to last month. I ultimately decided on my Hawaii experience because "I lived in Hawaii for a month" always gets me those jealous looks that keep me young and attractive.
Next I thought "I have no idea who my ideal guest speaker would be." I thought about famous gays like Andy Warhol, fashion icons like Tom Ford or Alexander McQueen, as well as, of course, Britney. I thought I had settled on Britney when I really started to think. She DID say "dead or alive." Then I had my answer and was ashamed of myself for not thinking of it before: SpongeBob. I don't know what he'd talk about, but I'm sure he'd have something hilarious to say about anything. And if Saturday afternoons on my couch in front of the TV are any indication of my affection for the little guy, I think it's safe to say that I could listen to Spongebob lecture for hours.
And finally I had to narrow down my impossibly long list of dreams to find one that said to the class "I'm here, I'm queer and I'm more interesting than you." Obviously my first idea was "my biggest dream is to be famous." But let's face it, that's not very unique. Everyone wants to be famous and anyone who says they don't is an asshole and probably lying. So then I thought of my most serious and relatively new dream of being a model. That's interesting and all, but I always feel like people are laughing at me in their heads when I say that (if you are right now, shut up). So then I was thinking of all my other dreams, including being a bartender, owning and performing in a strip club in Myrtle Beach and - this one was a serious contender for "biggest" - that all the flies in the world cease to exist. When it was finally my turn and the class had stopped laughing at my SpongeBob comment (it killed), I said "and my biggest dream is to be a Kardashian." I waited through the laughter like I was on a live-audience sitcom and continued "I'm not exactly sure how that's going to happen. And if I can't get IN their family, I want to be just like them: all da money, a reality show and doing whatever the hell I want." More laughs. I was officially the most interesting person in the class, the JSchool, and, dare I say, the entire university and world.
I left that class with my head held high, glad that I had won the biggest laugh of the 40-person introduction line and that I kept myself calm when I thought I wasn't going to get to speak because the bitch ahead of me told 4 separate stories about her trip to Jordan when there was only 4 minutes left of class.
Sidenote about this girl: I noticed her when I walked in because she had short dreadlocks, not unlike a bob, with ONE hanging down past her shoulder with a bead at the end that resembled a lightbulb. I know, what an asshole. One of her Jordanian (I learned from her today that that is in fact a word) stories did prove interesting, though: towards the end of her trip she was at a gathering with a small group of people from an array of countries and they decided to sing songs from their countries for the others. "One guy broke the ice; it was really cute he sang a song in Korean for us. So I decided to sing some Ella Fitzgerald, even though I am NOT a singer." After physically shuttering thinking about how awful that probably was, my next thought was "I woulda sang Miley."
After mentally kicking the people walking slowly in the rain in front of me on my way to my next class, I sat in the front row - not because I wanted to suck up or because I was at all interested in the class, but because I was no longer drunk but full blown hungover and needed to sit down - and was less than thrilled to realize that I had taken a class with this professor before and hated him with a passion.
A few minutes after taking my seat, I saw a lost-looking girl walking around in the hallway and she appeared at our door, looked at the room number, then at me. "What class is this?" "I don't know." "You don't know?" I wanted to say "No. I don't know what class this is. I registered for it months ago and only just looked at ConnectCarolina to see what classroom it was 5 minutes before I got here." I'd like to say that the nonchalance with which I approached this year's FDOC was because I'm a senior, but I've been doing that for years. "I finally looked at the schedule screenshot I had on my phone and said to her "Comm 521." "What class is that?" "I don't know." She looked frustrated. "521? What is that? Is that English?" "I don't know. No. Communications." She rolled her eyes and stormed away. I'm a senior, I'm hungover and you know what, in general I do not care about helping anyone. Don't fuck with me.
So once class started and this professor FINALLY and painstakingly got through several minutes of "uh.." (the reason why I hate him so much), he had us introduce ourselves the old fashioned way, complete with a fun fact. I stuck to "I lived and worked on a farm in Hawaii this summer," mostly because I wanted to stop while I was ahead. Most of the first few people had pretty basic answers, nothing I wanted to slit a throat for. But then we got to the second row of people and homegirl says "...and I went skydiving two years ago." Two. Years. Ago. Like that's cool and all but girl your life sucks.
And I didn't even get any time to recover from that gem; the next girl said "my great grandparents met in Ocracoke so we go there every summer." For once, I am speechless.
And now, here I am, sitting in my final class of the day (until 8:15, ugh). I nearly panicked thinking I was going to be late because traffic on campus ~*sux*~ and walked into class at 5:00 on the dot. Class starts at 5:30. I sat here feeling sorry for myself, but I got some relief when the professor came in and asked "does anyone have any music suggestions? I like to play music before class." Shy on the first day, as usual, the few people in the classroom was silent. Except for me, of course. So if any of you reading this were in the journalism school at about 5:25 and you heard Britney Spears' "Circus" playing loudly from a classroom, that was thanks to me.
And to get to know each other in this class, the professor came up with his own twist on the introduction game. I'm currently half-listening to my classmates explain their favorite website as they bring it up at the front of the classroom (and my Indian professor yell questions at them. Yell.). I'm avoiding volunteering to go next because obviously my favorite website is my own Twitter feed, but all of my most recent tweets are mean things about the people in this room. I'm thinking of doing it anyway.
So here's hoping for a long, stress-free, hilarious and drunk senior year. Go Heels!
