True Life: I'm Awkward

College is a time when people tend to make great realizations about themselves. Students figure out where they're going in life, what they're good at, how much they can drink...I found out exactly how awkward I am. If you're wondering, the answer is VERY awkward.

In high school, I never had to face this most prominent part of my personality. I had a group of good friends and I never had to speak to anyone outside of that group. If I wasn't with them, I was at home where the only person I had to talk to was my bird. And she would take any attention she could get.

Once I got to college I realized that the social life that I loved in high school was about to go down the drain. No matter how much time I managed to spend with the few friends that came with me to college, I was still required to interact with other people. If you know me well enough, you'll know that that is probably the last thing I ever want to do next to wearing sweatpants and listening to Taylor Swift.
Even in the first days of college, I was faced with a roommate that I didn't really know. Sure, we had corresponded, but I'm super charming via Facebook and text message because those are crafts I have perfected. Plus, I can usually take as long as I want to come up with the perfect response. So needless to say there was a lot of awkward forced small-talk. I figured that would die down and things would be normal after a little while. I mean that's what happens with normal people, right? Not me. For a few months our room was filled with awkward small talk, then it all eventually faded into nothing. And the scared child inside of me was perfectly okay with that.
Then this year (last year too, but mostly this year unfortunately), I've been forced into social situations that I just have no idea how to navigate: parties. They always start out pretty good because I usually go there with my friends, then my heart drops and my mind starts racing. I don't know these people. What if they say something to me? I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't even know how to talk to people. Do they want to talk to me? What if they don't even want to talk to me? I guess that's okay...but that means there's something wrong with me. It's probably the fact that I'm standing in the most awkward place and not talking to anybody. Do they know what I'm thinking? Am I saying this out loud? Oh god. I should dance or something. I'll just check my phone. Oh. Nothing. All my friends are here. Facebook. Nothing. All my facebook friends are out being social and not on facebook. Uhhhh...

In the off chance that people do speak to me, I still can't avoid the awkward. I just don't even know how to respond to some things.
For example, I have no idea how to respond to "what's up?" I can't even explain my aversion to the phrase...it just triggers awkward. Usually I ignore it and pretend the person just said "hello" or something that I think a normal person should say.
Even if an exchange started off easily, with a simple "Hey! How are you?! It's so good to see you!" I usually have no idea where to go from there.

I guess I'm just doomed to a life of drink-sipping and phone-checking...

Happy Endings

A friend of mine (Yes, I have friends. Well. Some.), who will remain nameless, recently said to me "You know, Al, college is the time when people are looking for the person they're going to spend the rest of their life with. Yep. So you should think about that."
If you know me at all you could probably guess that I didn't think about it much (you would definitely know that if you can tell who said it). But I did think about it later, probably when I should have been doing homework or something important like that.
The more I thought about it, the more I started to think about how stupid that is. Why should I be looking for forever in every single person I meet? I usually can't even remember people's names. Usually I dread seeing them ever again. I just don't think I should be wasting my college life looking for the person that I'm going to be stuck with for the rest of my life starting at age 19. And I consider myself a nice person, so I'm definitely not trying to cause anyone to suffer through being with me for that long. I'm not even sure I want to spend all those years with myself. Call me a romantic, but I would like to just let it happen. Maybe one day I'll meet someone who just won't leave me alone and we'll spend the rest of our lives together (this is most likely to happen with the aforementioned friend). Until then, why is it so bad to do whatever I want?
I, like other people of my generation, have been taught most of life's lessons through television. Sitcoms taught me that people rarely get married before their mid 30s. And these shows are still running, so the mother and the happy ending may not be found until the characters are in their forties. Or maybe never. And you know what? That's okay. And it's hilarious.
So if staying single for a few extra years (maybe my whole life) leads to the hilarity that occurs on the sitcoms I've been watching, bring it on. And by "bring it on," I mean that every person tryin' to spend the rest of his or her life with me needs to back off. Funny > Happy.

Despite all these feelings, there are a few people I would never turn down if they just said "hey. let's spend the rest of our lives together."

Here's a list of people that I would consider spending the rest of my life with (though some in a completely nonromantic, nonsexual way. I'll let you guess which ones those are), starting right now.
Chelsea Handler. Imagine the mean jokes.
Sofia Vergara. I could listen to that voice forever.
Some guy from my art class last semester. I never spoke to him. Who cares.
Kevin Jonas. And his wife too I guess.
Anyone who will buy me milkshakes and Cheese Nips.
Any kind of bird.
My denim jacket.
Heidi Klum.
Carrie Underwood.
Beyonce's baby.
A skeleton.
Mrs Lovett from Sweeney Todd. Corset and human meat pies? My kind of woman.
Brangelina.
Demi Lovato.

I would keep going but even getting that much was a stretch. All I could think about was my wardrobe.