But seriously.

I don't know if I have ever been 100% honest about anything. It's just an immediate reaction, to treat people like they're stupid and hope that they're not. It's not my fault everyone isn't on the same brainwave as me, is it?

I think the reason I do it is to make myself feel better about myself. I'm not going to be humble and say that I don't think I'm better than other people. I definitely am. Sometimes people think they're on my level and, since I'm a kind soul, I just can't be mean. So to spare the feelings of my loved ones, I lie. I'm not going to sugarcoat it and call it "sarcasm," because we all know that that's just a fancy word for a lie. If you don't know that, I hope you wake up from your little dream and grow up so you can realize that people are not nice; they're selfish and mean and ruthless.
So I lie. It's practice for my prospective career in writing and it's fun for me. The way I tell the lie, with a straight face that is devoid of emotion, is practice for my backup career as a psychopath.

The way I see it, lying is my way of telling the truth to people who are on the same intelligence level as I am. See, I don't just make up lies out of nowhere. I generally make up answers to questions that have obvious or boring answers. If you're not smart enough to know the answer to your own stupid question (or to find out the answer for yourself), you don't deserve a straight answer from me. I'm just trying to help people learn for themselves. I rarely ask questions because I value finding information on my own and I think that's the best way to learn.

Though I don't believe this process is wrong, I think I owe some people some explanations. If you're reading this and recognize any of the following lies, you're smarter now than you were when I told them. If you don't recognize any of them and ask me if you're on the list, my answer will be no.

A list of lies, made right.

My name is not Tres.
Or Garret.
I have never been strangled.
You can't make more than a 5 on an AP test.
That's not your baby.
I've never killed or eaten a person.
I don't hate Glee, I actually really like it.
No, I didn't hear what you said and I don't care.
I'm not sorry and I never have been.