I recently read an article from a credible online news
source (Buzzfeed) about a new dating show that is allegedly in production with
an all gay cast. I am excited about this for a number of reasons:
1. An entirely gay cast means more representation, of
course. Finally gay men are welcomed into the ‘Bachelor’ craze. Even though the
show is in no way associated with The Bachelor/The Bachelorette and it’s on
Logo and not a large network, it’s still happening. Baby steps. If the show
manages to gain popularity outside of gay men watching Logo, straight people
will hopefully get to see us as people with feelings and hopes and dreams and
with something to say that isn’t a direct quote from RuPaul’s Drag Race (even
though most straight people I know don’t know a good Drag Race quote when they
hear one in the first place).
2. An entirely gay cast ALSO means several (probably hot)
gay men on my TV screen for me to watch and dream about for 12 weeks at a time.
Sure, there is no shortage of hot men on TV right now or ever. But the only
problem is that they’re never my type. “My type,” meaning gay. I am an Equal
Opportunity Ogler and always will be – taking in the sight of any sculpted torso
that I can get my eyes on – but I’m significantly less interested in almost all
men who are not also attracted to men. And after some of the horror stories I’ve
heard from other gays about falling for straight guys, I am very thankful for
this trait.
3. OK, I am kind of hoping for at least 4 or 5 RuPaul
references per episode. What better way to end a dating show than with “If you
can’t love yourself, then how the hell you gonna love somebody else?” And if
there’s as much drama as this show as there is (or so I’m told) on the
Bachelor, I think we can expect a few “I feel very attacked!” moments.
4. This. Is. My. Shot. I’m pretty upset that I didn’t know
about this ahead of time, but I’m already hopeful for a second season. I have
seen maybe two entire episodes of The Bachelor in my life (and none of The
Bachelorette – tbh I didn’t realize that was a real thing), but I got a pretty
good grasp on what it takes to be a contestant. Here’s what I gathered (hope
you were ready for another list):
A. To be a Bachelor contestant, you
have to be one of those needy, hopeless girls who falls in love easily. And who
does that sound like to you? I fell in love with a boy whose face I didn’t even
see at the mall last week because he was wearing short shorts. OK, that love
lasted until he walked out the door, but it was serious and it was real and I
was heartbroken. But honestly I have fallen in love with two of my best friends
just because they agreed to hang out with me more than once. Truth is, I’ll
probably fall in love with every other contestant as well as whatever hot
Latino businessman Logo finds for us.
B. The episodes of The Bachelor
that I have seen were mid-season, so they may have gotten rid of all the ugly
girls before then, but I’m pretty sure there weren’t any to begin with. All the
girls on the show were pretty, tan and blonde. I’m about 30% blonde right now
and all I need is 3 hours and some purple shampoo to complete that
transformation. And I look pretty in pictures, so I bet that will translate
well onto TV cameras. I am tan as hell now, but if I have to audition in a year
or so, I will damn well move back to Florida to keep this tan if I have to. And
you all know how much I hate Florida if that lets you know how serious I am
about this.
C. Probably just as important as
being pretty on The Bachelor is being petty on The Bachelor. The entire first
episode I watched was about one girl pulling the guy aside and saying “I just
wanted to let you know that someone in this house isn’t being completely real
with you.” I’m pretty sure that, in real life, that doesn’t actually mean
anything. But it was all anyone could talk about for the entire two hours (commercial
free) that I sat through listening to them talk. One girl called her sister to
tell her that someone else said that about another someone else. I can do all
that. I’m not naturally a petty person, but I think it’s something I could
quickly learn. I’m definitely vindictive and I can hold a grudge for years, so
I think I’m almost there.
D. I think a little bit of
intelligence also helps. I thoroughly believe that gays, as a whole, are
smarter than heterosexuals, but I think that I can still stand out. There are definitely
some dumb gays out there and I bet they will be the ones largely attracted to
being on this show. So all I have to do is mix all the knowledge I have about
pop culture and fashion with the little bit of knowledge I have about politics
and history (mostly learned from countless hours of listening to the Hamilton
soundtrack) and I will be top three for sure.
E. To me, the most entertaining part of The
Bachelor was the descriptions of the girls when it cut to their confessionals.
Like, it would say “Heather,” and then in italics underneath her name it would
say Real Estate Technician. I’m not completely sure if you get to make up
your own profession/subtitle, if the producers come up with them, or if they’re
handed out on the first episodes like nicknames on Flavor of Love. All I know
is that one girl’s on the episode I watched was Twin. She was the girl who called her sister to tell her about the
drama. She 100% did not win (see previous list item). If I get to pick my own,
it will be something cool like Provocative
Shorts Lobbyist, or maybe just the hyperlink to this blog. If the producers
get to pick it and they make me use my “real” profession, it will probably just
say Hobo or Drifter. Or maybe they’ll help me out a little bit and go with Gypsy or #1 Pussycat Dolls Fan.
F. Most importantly, to be a Bachelor contestant,
you definitely have to be a character that audiences want to see. “Good TV,” if
you will. This is the one I am most confident about. Television dreams of me.
We’re perfect for each other. How many gifs will gay viewers make of me rolling
my eyes in the confessional or glancing at the camera in disbelief every time
any Mark, Rick or Steve doesn’t get my Steel Magnolias reference? Also, what
are the chances I won’t be drunk the entire time? Obviously there won’t be any
food in the house, so hopefully the production team will spend that budget on
wine. I will be everyone’s fav as soon as I walk into the group date with a
glass of Franzia filled up to the rim. If that’s not good TV, I don’t know what
is. And if you know me well enough, you
can also predict what will happen with me and alcohol in a room full of gays. *smiling
devil emoji*
That pretty much sums up what I know about being on The
Bachelor/a Bachelor-like show. Again, I’ve only watched two episodes of The
Bachelor (which were 2 hours each, btw), so I don’t know what it takes to
actually win. But it’s about time that I make it on TV and I have no doubt that
I can make a man fall in love with me if he’s contractually obligated to not
bail on me for several dates in a row.
Can I get an amen up in here?
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